Changes I made to my article

To get the final draft of my article I changed many things. Firstly, I split it up into paragraphs, as it made the article more clear and easy to read, and was also grammatically correct. I also changed minor things, like the punctuation, or changed words for stronger words. I also decided to take out a lot of the information about her fashion, as it doesn't appeal to the target audience, who are adult males. Also, I decided to say a bit more about her musical influences as the article needed to have more information about her music rather than her fashion choices! This would appeal to the audience of the magazine a lot more. I also changed "she has only just started" to only just emerging on the music scene". I changed some of the word choices, as I felt I was saying "this girl" far too much. I also decided to take out the word "cool" as I felt that this made the article seem childish, and it is mainly aimed at teenagers and young men. I changed the phrase "newest indie-diva on the block" to "big talent for 2010", as I felt that this sounded a lot more professional, as the term talent is used a lot in the music industry. I also changed one of the quotes, and this was to enhance the idea that she was a confident and arrogant person. Finally, I separated the last sentence "...and I can tell that this girl is a diva in the making, and you boys had better watch out", into two separate sentences, as I felt that this had more impact. Overall, I think that my overall article is effective, and appeals to my target audience with a direct address to them at the end of the article.